Confessions of a Confused ExVirgin
by SwiftlyFallen4Romance
Summary: AU: This is kind of like a blog/journal entry I dreamed up, It's a little weird but I picture Ali in this role, and Drew is the suitor/asshole, but use whoever you like. It's all written in first person perspective and there are no names. If this goes well I will add more chapters until then it's a simple one-shot. I hope you enjoy and feel free to comment.


**{Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi and as much as I love it, I don't want to. Nor do I own the lyrics used in this chapter as far as I know they are property of Beyonce Knowels, and they shall remain that way until she decides otherwise. With that said, Please Enjoy!**

**p.s. comments would be great and are encouraged btw!}**

**Chapter One: The Best Thing You Never Had**

_"Boy I must've been out of my mind_

_You showed your ass and I, I saw the real you_

_Thank God you blew it"_

_~Beyonce_

Most times love stories have a happy ending, one that by halfway through the book you realize that in some aspect you already know what is going to happen. Makes you wonder why they keep going if you know how it will end. Some people continue reading for the escape, like me, and sometimes they continue to write because they feel that the story needs to be told. I have a feeling that my story should be told as an escape and release for my built in frustration.

People always ask, "How do/did you know you were gay?". It's not quite an easy question for me to answer, not as clear cut as I was born this way or I just always knew. I dated boys when I was younger, nothing to serious mostly long distance type things. Never had a true boyfriend. Then around my senior year in high school I developed a crush on a girl in my senior class, never told her though, and it just kind of went from there. I started with talking to them online and then I went to Job Corps where it seemed 90% of the school was gay or bi. I was in what I considered a serious long distance relationship then so I didn't take much interest in the girls there. I got my first lap dance there, the most action I'd had my entire life. That was the longest relationship I was in and it lasted for about a year and two months. At the end I was devastated, though that's not the real heartbreak I'm writing about. I met a woman when I was 19, she was 28, and we became good friends. She was my first kiss and my first sexual partner. I did not fall in love with her as the tale goes that you will fall in love with your first. But sex with a woman and a man are two completely different things as I have recently learned. While we had sex and I allowed her to strap me, and I bled, in my mind I was no longer a virgin. I am 21 and just found out a week ago that I was indeed still a virgin. Life seemed good a while back, I was in a place where I was confused about my sexuality for a moment. I felt as if things were going backwards. Wasn't I supposed to become curious about being with another girl rather than wondering what it would actually feel like to be with a guy. Then I met someone, someone great, and she became my best friend and times like these I am really and truly grateful for her. Then we were lovers & I think that that makes the best kind of relationship. I can talk to her about any and everything even if I was afraid that it could possibly mean the end of our relationship and friendship that I cherish so dearly. Up until about 3 weeks ago I thought things were great and I mean every relationship has their doubts but mostly they were so silly they required no attention. And then I met a boy, that looked like a man. I was out shopping and I noticed him across the store, then I went back to minding my business. While I was looking at the jewelry he walked by and simply said "Hi Gorgeous". I remember looking at dresses when he approached me, he told me we went to high school together and he thought I was so beautiful.. He said that he tried to talk to me once in school and I didn't want to be bothered with him. And he was probably right, I don't remember much of school but I know it was a blur and that I wasn't really the type that is easily approachable. I felt an attraction to him though and I gave him my number. In all honesty I never thought he would call, he would be like all the other guys that got my number and never used it. To my surprise when I checked my phone when I got back in the car and we begun to text each other. I figured out right away that he was a sweet talker, but I enjoyed getting to know him, I was honest with him from the start about the fact that I was not single and that I had a girlfriend, but I felt a pull towards him and was willing to give him a chance. We continued to talk and he hung out with my for a couple of hours once, that day he kissed me, which I did not tell my girlfriend {still feel bad about that}. The next time we saw each other it was at his place. I was under the impression that he lived alone, but he had a roommate. That night I spent the night, wasn't intentional, but I felt so comfortable and safe in his arms I didn't want the night to end. Things took a sexual turn that night which I also neglected to mention to someone very important and I'm sorry for that too. They didn't progress far thanks to the obsessive insecurities I have about shaving. I think I should have known better when he said that he was hungry and I told him to eat and he said something about not dining in on the first date and tried to put his head between my legs a few hours later. That was also the first night I felt what it felt like to lay next to a man, and felt the outline of his sex. I felt so horrible about getting him hard and not being able to do anything about it, but he made it seem as if everything would be okay. The next morning came and things felt so awkward, part of me wanted to get away a fast as possible, the other half wanted to stay, see if it got better. I realized then I needed to know whether or night I wanted to be with him. I told him, I did what he asked, I left my girlfriend and I wanted to try and see if this could work. He said lets slow things down and let things happen naturally and I agreed. So I left him alone for a few days, things still kind of felt off but I got over it. The last time I saw him I wanted to do something nice, my sister and I had just went shopping and had an over abundance of food that would not fit in our freezer. Not wanting anything to go to waste I wanted to give it to someone I knew could use it and offered it to him. I asked and he came and got it and chilled for a little while. That night there was a bad storm and he got stuck spending the night. At first it was all fun, looking at yearbooks, watching movies talking and chilling, then came the make-out session. Next thing I knew his hand was in my pants, I tried to close my legs, but he just kissed me and pushed them back open. He began to rub gently and it felt nice and it had been awhile since a hand touched me that wasn't my own. I was on my back and felt my panties come off, with my assistance. I figured he was hungry again so I thought why not let him eat, it seemed harmless enough, but then his pants came off. He was trying to push himself inside me but it hurt so bad I thought I would scream. I kissed him to mute the noise thinking that the pain would soon be over and I would see if this was something I could truly enjoy. The pain didn't stop and it just got worse, it seemed that he was being so gentle, but all I wanted to do was cry. He asked if I wanted him to stop and I said yes thinking I just needed a minute to regroup. Then I saw the blood and I took off to the second bathroom when he disappeared into the first. The was so much blood and I was so scared, I thought that something was wrong. I was able to get myself calmed down enough to go back down and find him laying in the bed. After I got over the awkwardness I felt he help me and I remember falling into a restless slumber. He kissed me goodbye the next morning and went on his way. We continued to text for a few days and he called me a couple of times. I was shopping in Wal-mart late last night when I got a friend request from him on Facebook. Every time I thought about it I would smile I couldn't wait to get home and look on his page. Which is why on my way back I pulled his page up on my phone, on his page it stated that he's engaged to someone. Giving the benefit of the doubt I texted him then continued to look at the page. There I saw that he had a recent post since we had been talking about a three year anniversary that was a few days ago. The girls profile picture is a picture of them and her last name on there is his. He never texted me back, so I skipped the usual Good Morning text I always send him and haven't said anything to him, not he to I. To me all signs point to liar. Not to mention he said he has a car, which he never seems to have, a job, but no food or money, and a son who he was devastated that he didn't get to see on Father's day or any day according to him. I don't know what's the truth if any of it even was. All these things point to me feeling like a fool and an ass for falling for the lies and the sweet talk. For putting someone I love and care about through this with me. An idiot for giving to the pressure from my family and friends. Stupid for ignoring the advice that I should have took because never in my life have I ever actually truly regretted something. Maybe I was never really as smart as I thought with the whole thing. I've cried about it for the fantasies I allowed myself to get lost in, For the hope that I had of making everybody happy, for the pain of losing my girlfriend that never came {but she hasn't read this yet so I'm still holding my breath.}. I'm not any closer to figuring out whether or not this is something I still want to do. All I know is it hurts more than it should for it to be what it was and that's scary.

_"You don't deserve my tears_

_I'm the one that's getting away_

_Lord knows that it would take another place, another time, another world, another life_

_Thank God I found the good in goodbye"_

_~Beyonce_


End file.
